ACE CHEMICALS STORAGE FACILITY
12:45 a.m.
Two-Face guided the truck off the main road onto a rutted drive, through a gap in a rusted old chain link fence, and on up to a huge, dark building which waited in the middle of a weed-choked lot. Two cars were parked in front of the building.
Two-Face parked between the cars. He motioned with his gun. "Get out, please, Agent," he said. He was being Harvey again, civil and polite. "Please don't try to run away. We will shoot you if you do." She had no doubt that he would and could. She stepped out of the truck and stood beside it, weighing her options. As of right now, they were lighter than helium.
Dent moved around to the back of the truck, banging on the door, keeping Scully in sight. "Come on, jerk-offs," he growled in his "bad" voice. "Get that piece of shit out of there and let's get moving."
Scully shuddered. Not just because it was cold, though it was. She didn't know what she was about to be dropped into the middle of, and she didn't like the feeling one bit.
Dent's men hauled the stretcher containing the Riddler out of the truck and carried it toward the front of the old building. Scully winced as she watched them jostle it around carelessly. They stopped in front of a rusted iron door. The whole front of the place was shabby, weather-beaten and dingy. But, incongruously, there was a shiny new intercom speaker set into the wall next to the door. Two-Face thumbed a button.
"Yes?" came a chillingly familiar voice, one Scully had hoped never to hear again. "Is that the pizza I ordered? It took you more than 30 minutes, I should get a discount."
"Fuck you," said "bad" Harvey. "We've got your merchandise. Let us drop it off and get the hell out of here."
"Oh, Harvey, it's you. And you. Nice to have you both. You have Mr. Nigma?"
"Yes, yes."
"And the beautiful, mysterious Agent Scully? You didn't forget her, I hope."
"We have everything we promised." This time it was "good" Harvey speaking. Spending time around this guy could make your head spin. He was worse than that shape-shifting character she and Mulder had busted a couple years ago.
"Very good. You're a couple of really reliable guys, Harv. That's why I luv ya so much. Though I'm partial to the one on the left."
The door buzzed and Two-Face pushed it open. "C'mon," he muttered, motioning to Scully and the stretcher-bearing goons. "Let's get this over with."
They walked down a dark corridor until they came to another metal door. This one was shiny and looked brand new. Two-Face swore and punched another button.
"Yes? Who is it?" came the Joker's voice from another small speaker.
"God damn it, open the door!"
"Oh, Harvey. How silly of me. Come in, come in." The second door buzzed and Two-Face opened it, gesturing for Scully and the two thugs to precede him through.
Scully found herself in a large, clean, well-lighted room. The walls were lined with scientific equipment, the purpose of which Scully couldn't even guess at. From somewhere beyond the walls she could hear the humming of a transformer. In the middle of the room, arms spread wide, looking even more bizarre than usual in a white lab coat, stood the Joker.
"Welcome to my house," he said, the macabre grin plastered across his face. "Enter freely and of your own will. Or, in your case, Agent Scully, at the point of a gun."
"How much did this thing cost?" Mulder asked. He was in the passenger seat next to Batman, looking around at the array of equipment visible in the -- "cockpit" was the best word-- of the Batmobile.
"I don't know," Batman said flatly, steering the car along a dark downtown street. "I've added to it over the years. I don't keep financial records on it."
"What do you do at tax time?" Mulder asked.
Batman glanced over at him coldly.
"Don't worry," Mulder said. "I'm FBI, not IRS. I don't like those guys any better than anyone else does. But remember what happened to Al Capone."
Batman was silent, apparently concentrating on his driving. The sound of the engine was like the muffled roar of a jet. Mulder wondered how many miles to the gallon it got. Or gallons to the mile. When Batman spoke again, abruptly, Mulder was startled.
"Who is the 'Cancer Man?'"
Mulder looked at him. "You know about him?"
"I've... heard him mentioned. Who is he?"
Mulder sighed. "That's a good question. I don't know his name. I don't know who he works for. I do know that he's an evil son of a bitch and that he's into some really sick stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
"I shouldn't discuss it with you."
"And you always do just as you're told, Agent Mulder?"
"Hm. Okay, you got me there. And, hell, if I can't trust an anonymous man in a bat costume, who CAN I trust? Okay, this is what I know:
"Something very big and very weird is going on. I don't want to sound crazy..." He glanced over at his companion, looked the man up and down, gazed around the interior of the vehicle. "Hell, sitting here with you, it seems a little mundane. Okay, I believe that our planet is in imminent danger of invasion by... colonists of some kind, from somewhere..." He waved a hand in the direction of the sky. "...out there. Okay? You with me so far?"
"Go on."
"This 'Cancer Man' is a spook of some kind. CIA, DIA, DOD, WTF... I don't know. He's working with a group-- I don't know who they are exactly, but they have ties to the government-- they're involved in this somehow. My theory is that they want to facilitate this invasion, hopefully earn the colonists' gratitude, and save their own asses.
"Sometimes it seems like this Cancer Man is working with them. Sometimes he seems to be working against them. I don't know. I've been dealing with this shit for five or six years now, and sometimes I don't know which end is up."
Batman said nothing. Just continued to drive. They were passing through the outskirts of Gotham now, the buildings were getting smaller and fewer.
"Well," said Mulder. "That's what I know. You want to say anything? Tell me how crazy I am? Tell me I need to get a grip? Come on!
Give me something to work with. Tell me I'm nuts so I can come back with a remark about how at least I'm not the one dressed up like a flying rodent!"
"Bats aren't rodents. They were reclassified as primates."
"I see. I'm familiar with the silent treatment, too. But listen to me. Don't you believe," he said earnestly, "don't you think it's even possible that this planet has been visited by beings from other worlds, with abilities beyond what we have?"
Batman was silent for a moment. "No," he said at last. "No, I don't." His lips twitched a bit. Was he smiling? "But I have a friend who does. You ought to talk with him sometime. He lives in Metropolis."
Mulder gaped at him. "That was a joke! You made a joke!"
"I never joke."
Mulder sat back in his seat and kept quiet for a while. Then he said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"As long as you don't count on an answer."
"Fair enough. I'm talking generalities, anyhow. You don't need to be specific." He shifted uneasily. "Why do you do it?"
Batman was silent. Mulder went on, "I mean, why do you..."
"I know what you mean. Sometimes I don't know the answer myself.
"But something... bad happened to me, a long time ago. I never forgot it, never let go of it. I let it shape my thinking, my philosophy... my entire life. Sometimes it seems like I've been... chasing that demon that traumatized me when I was... younger. Trying to get rid of it. Or to understand it. Or to just do SOMETHING with it. Does that make sense to you?"
Mulder thought for a moment-- about his sister, about his career in the Bureau, about all the things that had happened to him over the past few years. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, it makes sense. Believe it or not, my story's similar... Wow. I can't believe it. I'm bonding with the Batman!"
Batman glanced over at Mulder. "I'm not going to hug you," he said dryly.
Mulder snapped his fingers. "Ha! There! You did it again!"
Batman pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator, gunning the engine to drown out further conversation.
The Joker had Scully tied in a chair. He had instructed Two-Face's men to remove Eddie Nigma from the stretcher and place him in what looked like a curved glass coffin. Scully had seen something similar not too long before. In fact, she had been inside one.
"Well, well," he said, clapping his hands together. "We'll be ready to get started real soon now."
"Okay clown," growled Two-Face. "Can we get out of here now?"
"Oh, I don't think so, Harvey." The Joker produced a small automatic from beneath his lab coast and pointed it at him. Two-Face had stuck his own gun in his belt and couldn't get at it before the Joker would have a chance to fire.
"What the hell is this, clown?"
"Just something I've always wanted to try. Your coin, Harv. Toss it here."
Harvey grumbled but removed the coin from his pocket and tossed it to the Joker. The clown caught it deftly and held it up to the light, admiring it. "Pretty, pretty," he said. "Okay, here goes." He flipped it high into the air and caught it in the palm of his hand, squeezing his fingers tightly over it.
"Which side, Harvey? Good or bad? Do I kill you or let you walk out? I can see why you get off on this! It's like playing the lottery!" He opened his palm and looked at it. "Oh my. The scarred side. See?" He held the coin up. Sure enough, the damaged face was uppermost. The Joker sighed. "I guess that means..." He leveled the automatic at Two-Face and squeezed the trigger. A little cloth flag popped out of the barrel, the word "BANG!" emblazoned on it.
"... I let you live! The worst possible thing I could inflict upon society. Here ya go" he tossed the coin back to Two-Face who grabbed it out of the air. "Scat. Be on your way. I want you out of here in TWO shakes of a lamb's tail. Hahahahahahah!"
"Goddamn freak," muttered Dent. He and his henchmen left the room.
The Joker turned his attention to Scully. "Those boys will eventually come to a bad end, don't you think? They oughtta be locked up. Problem is, how do you put them in solitary confinement? Hahahahaha!"
Scully was frightened but forced her voice to remain calm. "So," she said as nonchalantly as she could, "What have you got going on in here? I thought you were just a garden-variety psycho. When did you branch out into the mad scientist business?"
"Oh, I was a mad scientist long before I became a thug. I got tired of it. But when my government calls, I must respond. For God and country and all that. Not to mention five million bucks and a ticket out of Arkham!"
"Your government?"
"Well... Somebody's government. Not the duly elected one. The one that works under the surface. Yhe REAL power. You know about that one, don't you Dana?" He reached out and touched her cheek. She turned her head.
"Keep your hands off me," she said through gritted teeth.
The Joker sighed. "Don't worry, honey. I'm not after your virtue. Assuming you have any. I just want to..."
He was interrupted by a loud voice from the other side of the room. "Joker! What is going on here?"
Scully and the Joker both looked over at the source of the voice. Scully's heart sank. It was him.
The Cancer Man.
The Joker clapped his hands. "My benefactor! How nice to see you!"
"Never mind all that," said the other man, advancing into the room. As usual, he had a cigarette in his mouth. "What's she doing here?
I told you to leave her alone."
"And I ALWAYS do just as I'm told, don't I?" the Joker responded sweetly. "What can I say? A lonely girl, new in town, no friends... I couldn't resist inviting her over!"
"Damn you," the other man said. "You may think you're indispensable, but you aren't. The only reason you're still alive is because some of my associates want you that way."
"And you don't?"
"I'd like to see you in hell."
"And I'm sure we'll meet there some day, in the great by-and-by. It'll be old home week: you, me, Hitler, Rasputin, Nixon.... I can hardly wait!"
"You may not have to. Right now, my associates aren't present. It's just you and me."
"And Agent Scully. Don't forget Agent Scully."
The Cancer Man looked at Scully. She thought she saw genuine regret and pain in his eyes. Just a hint of it; his face was almost as mask-like as usual. But there was something there, something... almost human.
He took a drag from his cigarette, blew smoke. "I wish you hadn't brought her here. We'll discuss it later. Are you ready to proceed?"
"Oh, yes. Eddie looks nice and ripe. I've been working like a little beaver over those lovely chemicals you had sent. I just need to get a sample of Eddie's blood-- or whatever's sloshing around in his veins now-- and make a few adjustments. Then we'll be ready for the acid test."
"And you believe your formula will kill these things?"
"Believe me, Smokey old pal, if I know anything, I know killing.
Whether it's human beings or invaders from Mars. I studied everything you've been sending me for the past year. I think I have a pretty good idea what makes these things tick. I'd like to know what caused them to mutate all of a sudden, but that's really neither here nor there. They have a nice little quirk in their DNA which will make them especially vulnerable to.... But I see I'm losing you. You get a little out of your depth when it gets past 'lock and load,' don't you?"
Scully was amazed. For a moment there, while he was talking about his "work," the Joker had sounded almost sane. He really did know what he was talking about.
"Well, never mind. Let's get this show on the road. I'll get my sample from Eddie, then we'll be ready for action. Hahahahahahahahaha!" He took a hypodermic needle from his jacket pocket and moved over to Eddie's "coffin."
The Smoking Man gave Scully what seemed to be a sad look, then followed the Joker.
Mulder and Batman were jolting along a rutted dirt road in the Batmobile. According to Batman they were almost at their destination. "It's pretty desolate out here," Mulder observed.
"Yes," Batman agreed. "So what are they doing out here?"
Mulder looked ahead of them. A pair of headlights approached
from down the road.
"Sightseers?" Mulder suggested.
"I'll bet," Batman replied. He gunned the engine and aimed the
Batmobile directly toward the oncoming headlights.
Mulder squirmed. "Uh, I don't mean to tell you your business or anything..."
"Then don't," said Batman through gritted teeth. The headlights swerved to the left and Batman steered along to stay with them. They swerved back to the right and so did the Batmobile. Just as it seemed a collision was unavoidable, Batman slammed on the brakes. The Batmobile slewed to the left and came to a stop, blocking the road. Mulder could hear the flying gravel and squealing brakes as the other driver brought his vehicle to a halt. The truck tottered in a cloud of dust, looking as though it might overturn. It didn't, but rocked violently back and forth on its springs.
"What do you..." Mulder began. Then he realized he was talking to himself. The canopy covering the car's cockpit had slid open and the Batman was gone.
Mulder squinted through the windshield at the truck. Something dark had covered the windshield. Mulder heard the sound of breaking glass and thick white smoke billowed out of the cab of the truck. There was a single gunshot and what sounded like the impact of a fist on a jaw. A sharp cry, then silence.
Mulder watched Batman hop off of the hood and open the driver's side door. The smoke was dissipating, drifting lazily out through the shattered windshield. Batman crawled into the cab, stayed there for a moment, then hopped back out. he sprinted around to the rear and opened the doors. Then he dashed back over and vaulted into the seat next to Mulder.
"It was Two-Face and a couple of his goons," Batman informed him. "I trussed them up and disabled the truck. They won't be going anywhere. No sign of Scully, but we know we're on the right track." He flipped a switch on the dash. There was a burst of static, then a voice:
"Gordon here." The voice was audible, but there was plenty of static.
"It's me. I just took care of Two-Face." He gave Gordon the location. "We're on the right track. You hear all that interference?"
"Yes," Gordon responded. "I'm reading you, but you're faint."
"Someone's using some kind of electromagnetic equipment around here. We're almost at the Ace facility. Send some people out here. Equip them for... anything. I'll be in touch. Batman out." He switched off the radio.
"Do you have any idea what we're going into?" Mulder asked.
"None whatsoever. Why? Do you want to get out?"
"Hell no!"
This time Batman did smile. "I didn't think so. Hang on." he gunned the engine, swerved around the disabled truck, and roared off down the dark road.
The Joker, having obtained a sample of Eddie's blood, was studying a drop of it under a microscope. "Dear, dear," he muttered. "This is some wicked shit, man. This stuff is mutating like... crazy. Ahahahahaha! I'd better get my little formula together and pump some into poor old Eddie or we'll soon have a bouncing baby space monster on our hands. And I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies."
"This toxin of yours," the Cancer Man said, "does it merely eradicate the intrusive organism, or does it kill the human host as well?"
The Joker looked at him, grinning as always. "Does it really matter?"
The other man sighed. "I suppose not."
"That's the spirit, old man," the Joker said, clapping him on the shoulder. "We'll make a homicidal psychopath out of you yet."
"Don't touch me," he said coldly.
"That's the second time today someone's told me that." He raised his arm and sniffed at his armpit. "What's the matter? Do I offend? Hahahahahahahahaha!" He moved over to a piece of equipment set against the wall. it looked like a huge centrifuge, made of porcelain and steel. Heavy electrical cables snaked into it from the walls.
"My little recipe has been cooking for long enough now. Have to bathe the stuff in EM radiation, you know... give it that added little zing!" He flipped a switch on the device and the humming gradually faded into silence. Once it had stopped completely, he opened a circular hatch and took out a small metal vial.
"Here it is! Uncle Joker's Guaranteed Alien Killer! Hits 'em where they live!" he moved to a table, unscrewed the lid from the vial and poured it into a glass test tube which he immediately plugged with a black rubber cork. he held it up to the light to examine it. It was a pale green liquid which seemed to glow ever so slightly. "Bee-yoo-tiful!" he exclaimed. "Let's change the oil." He selected another hypo from the table, thrust the needle through the rubber cork, and filled it with the green liquid. He carefully placed the tube with the remainder of the fluid on the table and walked over to the "coffin" where the Riddler lay. The Joker lifted the lid. Eddie looked awful. His skin was almost entirely black. "Poor Eddie," the Joker whispered. "We hardly knew ye!" Then he jabbed the needle into Eddie's arm and pushed down the plunger.
"This must be the place," said Mulder, as the Batmobile roared through the gap in the fence. He pointed at the dark old building. A faded sign over the door announced that this was the "Ace Chemical Corp., Northwest Gotham Facility." Batman cut the engine and lights and let the car glide silently to a stop a few yards from the building.
"Undoubtedly," he replied. He switched on the radio and got Gordon. The transmission was clear, not a trace of static. "We're here," he said.
"I'm on my way," Gordon replied, "with as many units as I could scrape together. We'll be there in no more than 20 minutes."
"Okay." Batman cut the transmission and turned to Mulder. "Hear that? Static's gone. Whatever equipment was being used has been shut off. I don't know if that's good or bad."
"Me either," Mulder said. "So, do we go in?"
"I can't think of anything else at this point." Batman released a latch and the canopy slid back. He and Mulder climbed out of the car.
"How do we get in?" Mulder whispered.
"I like the direct approach," Batman replied, removing something from his belt. He sprinted over to the front door and attached the device to the doorknob, then dashed back to Mulder. "Get on the ground," he said, flattening himself in the dirt. He flipped a switch on his belt and a small but violent explosion took the door out of its frame.
Batman stood up. "Let's go," he said.
He and Mulder passed through the ruined doorway. "Steel door in a wooden frame," Batman said. "Real smart. The Joker would know better. Someone else must have outfitted this place." They continued down the corridor to the second door. Batman pressed himself against the corridor wall and motioned for Mulder to do the same on the other side. "Be careful," he whispered. "They'll know we're here by now."
Mulder nodded, drew his pistol from his shoulder holster. Batman gave him a sour look. At least Mulder thought he did; it was hard to tell in the gloom. It was obvious that this man didn't care much for guns.
They advanced slowly toward the door. Mulder strained his ears but could hear nothing. He looked over at his companion, who also seemed to be listening intently. Batman held up a hand, cocked his head, touched the side of his cowl. Mulder was about to whisper a question when he heard it.
From the other side of the door came a sound like tearing metal, accompanied by a low, unearthly growl. Mulder had heard a growl like that once before, not too long ago. In the Antarctic. Deep below the ground in a secret installation he had penetrated to rescue Scully. His heart started racing. "We have to get in there," he said.
Batman nodded. He moved over to the door, examined the frame. "Metal door, metal frame. Security's getting better." He took several small objects from his belt, attached them to the doorknob and both sets of hinges. "Get back down the corridor. Get outside. And be ready to get back in quick when this goes."
Mulder raced down the corridor, back into the cool night air. Batman was right behind him. "Okay," Batman said, touching something on his belt. A huge explosion rocked the building. Smoke billowed out through the door they had just run through. Batman might not like guns, but he was hell with explosives. "Let's go," Batman shouted, grabbing Mulder's sleeve, leading him at a run down the corridor. He was blinded by the smoke and stumbled a couple of times, but the Batman pulled him along.
Once they were through the second doorway, the smoke had cleared away. Mulder glanced around him, pistol at the ready. In a couple of seconds, he took in a bizarre tableau.
They were in some kind of a makeshift laboratory. Some of the equipment looked vaguely familiar, like the stuff he had seen in the Antarctic installation. His attention was drawn to the middle of the room, where the Joker, outfitted in a lab coat, was jumping up and down, clapping his hands like an overjoyed child. To the Joker's left Mulder saw one of the transparent "coffins" he had come to know and loathe. The box had apparently been ripped open from the inside, no doubt by the thing which stood next to it, moving its oversized head from side to side. He leveled his pistol at the thing. But the creature wasn't moving. It stood in place, trembling slightly, growling in a manner that was more pitiful than threatening.
And then it started to laugh.
Mulder, somewhat dazed, suddenly remembered his partner.
"Scully!" he shouted.
"She's over here," came the Batman's voice. Mulder glanced quickly to his side, still holding his gun on the creature. Scully was tied into a chair, which had toppled over on its side. She appeared to be unconscious. Batman bent over her, touching her face and wrist. "She'll be okay. She's just been knocked out." He stood and turned to face the Joker.
"Joker! What is going on here?"
The Joker turned his head to smile at his old nemesis. "Why, Batman. I'm so glad you could be here for this joyous occasion! I've just become a father! Hahahahahahahahaha! Meet Junior-- the monster formerly known as Eddie Nigma!"
Batman and Mulder looked at the thing. It was about six feet tall and hairless. Its pale skin was mottled with dark blotches and covered in a translucent, slimy substance. It didn't look quite like the things Mulder had encountered in the Antarctic. It retained a more human shape. The face was even recognizable as that of Edward Nigma. Almost. The eyes were solid black, and the mouth...
The mouth seemed to stretch from ear to ear in a hideous grin that was a slightly more awful duplicate of the Joker's. The creature swayed from side to side, laughing uncontrollably, its voice raw and terrible. It managed to stop laughing, holding its sides with its misshapen hands, trembling and swaying.
Then it spoke.
"Bat...man?" The voice was no more than a croak, brittle and
painful to hear.
"Nigma?" Batman said sharply. "Is that you?"
The creature looked down at its twisted body, its mouth twitching, the occasional giggle slipping out.
"I..hahaha... think it..hahaha...USED to be..hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
Batman approached the thing cautiously. "Mulder," he said. "Cover the Joker. DON'T let him get away. Not this time." Mulder moved his arm to comply. The Joker waved at him. "Hello there! You must be Dana's friend."
"Shut up, freak," Mulder growled.
"You FBI people certainly don't have much in the way of manners. Why, I..."
A soft groan and a rusting sound came from a spot a couple feet behind the Joker. A man, who had been lying on the floor, pulled himself slowly to his feet. It was a man Mulder recognized. The Cancer Man.
"So you ARE involved in this," Mulder said.
The man looked sharply in Mulder's direction. He wiped a little blood away from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Mulder," he said calmly, "what are you..." Then he saw the creature. It was still laughing, holding itself. Batman was approaching slowly and carefully. He turned to the Joker.
"What is this?" he shouted. "What have you done?"
"Wellll," the Joker said, placing an index finger against his chin. "I thought about doing like you said, cooking up a potion to kill those things? But then I thought, wouldn't it be a lot more fun if I could sort of... alter them. Make them a little more like ME! So I modified the toxin I was working on, tossed in a dash of my handy Joker Venom, and voila..." He indicated the creature with a sweep of his hand.
"The Laughing Extraterrestrial!"
"You god damned bastard," said the Cancer Man in a low, dangerous voice. He took a pistol from his jacket and pointed it at the Joker. "Why? You know what's at stake here! WHY did you do this?"
The Joker gave him a blank look. "Why...just for jolly. Wouldn't you?"
"This is it for you, freak," said the Cancer Man, moving his gun into position for a killing shot.
"BOTH of you keep still," Mulder shouted, moving his gun back and forth to cover both men.
"Don't make a move, Smokey. I'd just as soon shoot you as look at you, and you know that. Give me an excuse and see what happens."
The other man lowered his arm, but did not drop the pistol. The Joker laughed softly, his eyes blissfully closed.
Meanwhile, the Batman had reached the creature that had once been Eddie Nigma. He stood two feet in front of the thing and spoke.
"Nigma. Eddie. How do you feel?"
"Well...hahahaha... I've felt.....hahahaha... better....
"I'm...hahahaha... having trouble thinking...."
"We'll get you some help. Can you control yourself?"
"I...hahahaha... don't think I can...hahahaha... oh, God, I know
what I ...hahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! KILL YOU!!! KILL YOU!!!"
The thing gave a tremendous roar and leapt at the Batman, who dropped into a crouch and sent the thing sailing over his head, to crash into a bank of machinery on the opposite wall. The monster laughed and laughed as it pulled itself upright and moved its head around until it located its foe.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!" It jumped at the Batman again, clawed hands held out in front of it. It dived straight at him, laughing and slobbering.
This time Batman jumped over the thing. It slid across the floor and smacked into the wall. Batman hit the ground and twirled around to face the monster. He grabbed something from his belt.
"Did I mention," the Joker remarked matter-of-factly, "that I put in a dash of a certain hormonal concoction of mine that produces homicidal rage? Ooops! A great chef never reveals his secret ingredient..."
"SHUT UP!" said Mulder and the Cancer Man in unison.
The monster was on its feet again, moving from side to side, seeking on opportunity to jump the Batman once more. For a second, Mulder thought Batman was pointing a pistol at the thing. But the device in Batman's hands looked more like a small harpoon gun. Batman jerked a trigger on the device, it kicked sharply and gave a loud, metallic twanging sound. What appeared to be a large coiled spring snapped out, wrapping itself tightly around the erstwhile Riddler. The creature fell to the floor, struggling against the coils of metal that bound it, but could not free itself. It laughed and screamed and threatened.
"HHAHAHAHAHA!!! KILL YOU, KILL YOU, KILL YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Batman walked calmly over to the thrashing monster and applied what appeared to be a vaccination gun to its shoulder. There was a hissing noise and the creature eventually fell silent.
"Animal tranquilizer," Batman explained. "Enough to put down an elephant. A small elephant. I hope it wasn't too much." He knelt down beside the thing. "It's... HE'S still breathing." Batman touched Eddie's neck. "Pulse is very high, but steady." He stood up and turned to face the Joker. His mouth was a grim line. The white eye-slits narrowed. His body language broadcast his barely-controlled rage.
"This time you've outdone yourself," he said in a tone which made the hair stand up on the back of Mulder's neck. THIS was the Batman of legend, the frightening Dark Knight of Gotham City. Mulder decided he would not like to find himself at odds with this man.
Batman approached the Joker, who stood nonchalantly, smiling as always. "Well, thanks for the compliment, but I think I could..." The Joker was silenced by the open-handed slap Batman delivered to the side of his head. He almost lost his balance, but righted himself, rubbing the side of his face. A thin trickle of blood leaked from the corner of his grinning mouth.
Mulder divided his attention between the confrontation between Batman and his enemy and the Cancer Man, who stood rooted to the spot, silent, pistol at his side. Mulder kept his gun trained on his old nemesis, now that Batman had the Joker in hand.
Batman had grabbed the Joker by the lapels of his lab coat and pulled the clown's face to within a couple inches of his own. "Is there any way to reverse what you've done to him?"
The Joker squinted, pretending to search his memory. "Wellll.... Maybe, maybe not. There IS an antidote to my Joker Venom. You know that.
I'll bet you've got some in that darling little belt of yours. And there IS an antidote to the Black Virus. Ask Smokey about that-- of course that stuff only works if the process isn't too far along. But maybe my little... treatment arrested the mutation process in poor Eddie's system to where a combination of the two could return him to... normal. If you can call him normal. Now, the rage thing, that's another story... assuming we clear all the other little bugs out of his system, he's still gonna be one mighty pissed-off fellow, for a good long while."
Batman stared at his old enemy for several seconds. Then he hit him again, twirled him around and cuffed his hands behind him. He knocked the Joker to the floor with a short kick to the chest. "Stay there," Batman said dryly.
"Rodney King! Rodney King!" the Joker squawked. "Where is a concerned citizen with a camcorder when you need one? I ASK you!"
Batman had indeed brought along a supply of Joker Venom antidote, and he gave Eddie a shot of it. He examined the creature's face. The jaw muscles did seem to be relaxing a bit. That was something.
Batman stood and approached the Cancer Man.
"You," he said. "I don't know who you are and I don't care. Drop that gun. Now." To Mulder's surprise, the Cancer Man did as he was told.
He had never seen anyone intimidate the man until now.
"You've been working with him," Batman continued, his face inches from the Cancer Man's. "That makes you scum. You're going to go down. But first, you're going to tell me about this Black Virus antidote. Is there such a thing?"
Cancer Man nodded.
"Where is it? Is there any here?"
The other man pointed to one of the lab tables. "It's in the blue tube there. The Joker was right. it should work if the virus has not yet mutated. I don't think..."
But Batman was no longer listening. He had moved over to the table and picked up the tube. He looked back at the Cancer Man.
"This better work. If you're lying to me..."
"No, I swear," the other man said. Mulder was puzzled. The man was acting...odd. He didn't seem to be afraid. Mulder knew that this man seemed to be virtually fearless. But the Batman was producing some kind of weird emotional response. It seemed as though... Mulder considered it for a moment. Yes, it seemed as though the Cancer Man desperately wanted the Batman's respect. That was something to think about...
Batman filled a hypodermic from the tube and gave Eddie a shot of the antidote. "The reaction won't be immediate," Cancer Man piped up, like a school kid shouting out an answer in class, seeking favor from a teacher. "Give it a few hours. Then we'll know something."
Batman paid him no attention. He moved to the Joker, pulled the clown to his feet and held him by his lab coat.
Mulder had moved a little closer to the Cancer Man, still covering him with his pistol. "What's going on here?" he demanded. "I want some answers from you, you son of a bitch."
"Agent Mulder, I know you have no reason to trust me..."
"THAT'S an understatement."
"You wouldn't believe me, I suppose, if I told you I was doing what I think is right?"
"That's what Hitler said."
The other man sighed. "Do you mind if I have a cigarette?"
"Yes, I do," Mulder said. "You're not going to move."
"Now," Batman said coldly, "suppose you tell me some things. Who are you? We know you aren't the Red Hood. We found what was left of him."
"Do tell?" the Joker replied. "Why, I never thought you bought that silly story in the first place. You disappoint me, Bats. That idiot was just a hired hand, a dupe I used to obtain some chemicals I needed. TRY to obtain. He screwed it up royally... with some help from you. At the time, I was still working on my... new look."
"You did this to yourself? Deliberately?"
"Sure! You don't get a masterpiece like me overnight. You idiot, did you fall into a barrel of bat shit one day and climb out with that costume and that belt full of gadgets and that anti-social attitude of yours? Yes, I did it to myself!"
"Why? Why would you turn yourself into... this?"
"Because THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN! Ever since I was BORN! Don't you get it? I always thought YOU of all people might UNDERSTAND!"
Batman shook his head. "I'll never understand..."
There was a low groan from the other side of the room. Agent Scully's voice came, weakly, "Mulder?"
Mulder turned his head for a moment. That was all the opportunity the Cancer Man needed. He swiftly reached into his jacket and produced a second pistol. He took aim and squeezed off four quick shots. Two caught Batman in the chest, the other two hit the Joker.
Both of them went down.
Mulder whirled and fired, but missed. The Cancer Man had sprinted away into the gloom of a narrow corridor. Mulder wasn't sure, but he thought he had heard the man say, "I'm sorry," before he was gone.
For half a second, Mulder stood, torn between his desire to try to catch his old enemy and the need to check on Scully and Batman. But there was really no choice. He went first to the Batman, who was already stirring. Mulder saw two dark streaks on the front of the black costume, but no holes.
"You're okay?" he said, helping Batman to his feet.
"Yes," Batman said, taking deep breaths. "I'm pretty well armored. Knocked the wind out of me, though." He glanced over at the Joker. The clown lay motionless, the front of his white jacket soaked in blood. Batman looked back at Mulder. "Which way did that man go?" Mulder pointed down the corridor. "I'll try to catch him," Batman said. "You take care of Agent Scully... and see if anything can be done for him." He jerked a thumb at the still form of the Joker and was gone.
Mulder looked at the clown. It didn't look good. He didn't appear to be breathing and his eyes were wide open, pupils dilated. The horrible grin was still in place, blood trickling from between the large, yellowed teeth.
He turned his attention to Scully, whose eyes were fluttering open. He quickly cut the ropes that held her to the chair and helped her to her feet.
"Mulder," she said, focusing her eyes on him, smiling. "You made it. How do you like Gotham City?"
He said nothing, just hugged her tightly for a moment. She returned the hug, then stepped back. They looked each other up and down.
For a second or two there was an uncomfortable silence.
"So, what happened?" she asked. "The Cancer Man was here. The Joker did something to Eddie Nigma... something happened to that chamber he was in... then there was an explosion. I guess it knocked me out."
"I'm not sure what happened myself, Scully," he replied. "We'll figure it out later. The police should be here soon." He led her over to the thing that had been Eddie Nigma. Eddie was looking a bit more human, actually. His skin tone was better and the black blotches seemed to be fading. "Well," said Mulder. "He might come out of this okay." He stood up. "But I don't think we'll have to worry about the Joker any more."
Scully went over and knelt by the prone figure of the clown, performing a rapid examination. Mulder stood behind her. "If anything good has come of this, at least the world is rid of ONE monster."
Scully looked up at him, her eyes wide. "Not so fast, Mulder."
She looked back at the Joker, then to Mulder again. "This man is alive. And he's going to live."
They stared at each other for a few seconds, until their attention was drawn by the sound of approaching sirens.
EPILOGUE:
THREE MONTHS LATER
WASHINGTON D.C. 12:42 p.m.
Fox Mulder sat in the hallway outside the hearing room. Scully was inside, testifying before a Justice Department panel. Again. Mulder had the feeling they were going to pull the plug on the X-Files. Again.
He sat fidgeting on the hard bench, then he stood up and paced around in the hallway. What was taking so long? What was going on in there? His cellular phone chirped from inside his jacket pocket.
"Mulder here."
"Agent Mulder. How are things going?"
For a moment, Mulder didn't recognize the voice. He was about to ask for identification when it dawned on him.
"You! I... wasn't expecting to hear from you. How did you get my number?"
Silence from the other end. Then, "Anything I say might tend to incriminate me..."
"Well, I'm glad to see you still have your budding sense of humor." He sighed. "As for how things are going, not so hot. I think the X-Files are about to be shut down. But it's happened before. Anyhow, we're still having trouble with our...friend you met a few months ago."
"The one that got away. I'm sorry I couldn't catch him."
"Don't be. He may not look like much, but he's slippery. What about YOUR friend?"
"He's still in the hospital. At Blackgate this time instead of Arkham. He's recovering slowly. He should be dead, but... He's always had a way of bouncing back from what seemed like certain death..."
"I know the type."
"Yes. Of course, we didn't get anything useful out of the storage facility. I guess you heard what happened. About an hour after the police took you, Scully and Nigma out, the place went up. He'd had it rigged-- basement full of explosives. Four cops died. Four more marks on the Joker's scoreboard."
"And the Cancer Man's. They both have a lot to answer for."
"Yes. I hope, someday, they will have to. As for Nigma, he's slowly returning to normal, physically. But whatever the Joker gave him has done a real number on his mind. He's currently under heavy sedation and restraint at Arkham. The doctors don't know if he'll ever pull out of it. So. How is Agent Scully?"
"She's fine. You never got to meet her, did you?"
"Ah... no. No, I didn't."
Mulder chuckled. "She doesn't believe in you, you know. You're an 'urban legend.' She says that you are 'totally improbable, unlikely and impossible.'"
A brief chuckle came through the phone. "Maybe she's right. Well, you take care of her, Agent Mulder. She's a very special... agent."
"Yes. Yes, she is. But how do you..." Mulder realized he was talking to himself. The other party had cut the connection. He shrugged, folded up his phone and stuck it back into his pocket.
At that moment, Scully emerged from the hearing room. She looked as downbeat as Mulder had ever seen her.
"They've shut us down again, Mulder," she said shortly.
Mulder nodded. "Not too unexpected. Cheer up. It's happened before. Why, I was just saying to Batman..."
Scully gave him a look and a crooked half-smile. "Batman? Nice try, Mulder, but it'll take more than lame jokes to cheer me up today."
"He asked about you."
"Very nice. I'm flattered. Did you happen to talk to the Easter Bunny today, too?"
"No. But Santa Claus sends his regards."
"You're really something, Mulder."
"So are you, Scully."
They walked down the corridor together in silence.
THE END
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